I usually dread February. It’s normally dreary and grey, full of snow, wind and feeling frozen. I usually run on the treadmill and look out into the bitter cold, thankful I’m not out there. However, this February has been surprisingly wonderful.
We were extremely honored when some friends of ours who are getting married this summer considered us as ‘candidates’ to help with their premarital counseling. As we were preparing for our first week, I couldn’t escape the thought that we are so inadequate to do this. I kept coming back to a thought from the book, “Kisses From Katie”, where Katie talks about living in our inadequacy, and being okay with it. Not that we are complacent about it. But rather understanding that we are all inadequate, all imperfect, and yet we can still do great things for God. With every week of preparation I think of these words, and thank God that it is He who is more than enough. As unsure as I was (and am), the past few weeks have been amazing. Preparing for our meetings and talking through them as a couple has been so healthy for Ryan and I. It’s given us a chance to look back on our relationship, to see the mistakes, and the joys, to thank God for the good and the bad…to be honest about where we’ve come from and where we are. We’ve learned about each other, about our marriage, about our friendship. It really has taken us on a journey to become stronger and better. We’ve had such candid, honest, transparent hours of conversation with our friends that have left me with so much hope. We’ve been practical and theoretical. We’ve laughed, we’ve had some tension…we’ve loved. I’m honestly going to be sad when we’re done. I’ve looked forward to each week. My prayer is that in the end, we will have been an open book for them. That they will be stronger, and have a better foundation because of our willingness to share the good, and the ugly. That there will be moments when they remember something that was said or shared, that will help them to have hope, and to choose love.
I’m thankful that Ryan and I are 10 years in to our marriage. The beginning for us wasn’t easy. We didn’t have a typical ‘dating’ experience since we were on the mission field. Right after we were married, we went back to the field. We knew how to lead a school assembly, but we had no idea how to be married. Along the way we have seen some beautiful marriages, we’ve been blessed with friends who were vulnerable, who didn’t show us just their good side. We learned that we weren’t supposed to know how to be perfect. I so wish I could go back to those first days and whisper in my own ear, “It’s okay. It’s okay to be and feel inadequate. It’s okay to be honest, vulnerable, and without answers. You can still be strong, even when you’re inadequate.” It was so important to me to appear to have it all together. We’re funny like that, feeling like we have to appear perfect. When our most amazing, life-changing moments usually come with brokenness, tears, and messiness. In the trough, in the mess, that’s when we find true, raw love.
And so February, the month of love, has been a sweet time for our marriage, and for our family. I decided to include the girls in our Valentine’s celebration as much as possible, since this is a day to celebrate the people we love. During the first two weeks of February Brooklyn and I probably cut out 100 hearts from construction paper. Then, we decorated them and wrote on them. On each one we wrote a message to Ryan. I didn’t coach Brooklyn at all on what to say. My favorite was one where she said, “I will never stop loving you Daddy.” Each day we hid one…on the bathroom mirror, on the steering wheel of the car, in his cereal bowl, on the door to the garage. So every day he received a message from us. 
Then, on Monday (that’s when we celebrated Valentines day), we hung the rest of the hearts from the ceiling in the living room. Underneath we put a blanket, with rose petals for a picnic, and cooked one of Daddy’s favorite dinners. Brooklyn was excited about every little detail. And Amari loved playing in the rose petals. It was the perfect evening full of love and laughter. Not that everything turned out perfect…Ryan’s temporary tooth filling fell out at the end of the work day so half of his mouth was really sensitive. Dessert was a little overcooked. But we’ve learned that those details can’t take away from what’s really happening, celebrating the love we have. We don’t normally do Valentines gifts so you can imagine my surprise the next day when we arrived home from a visit with a friend to find presents from Ryan. We called him at work to thank him for his ‘sneaky sweetness’. 
We’ve always tried to make our family a safe place to say how you really feel. Sometimes Brooklyn will tell me, “It’s hard being a big sister.” And I tell her, “It’s hard being a mommy. But I still want to be your mommy.” It is hard. And it’s exhilarating and beautiful. All at the same time. That’s part of the mystery of it all.
And so, I’m thankful for February 2012. Not only have we had some beautiful days of sunshine, but we’ve also experienced such a rich and intimate opportunity to grow and learn in love.
Making valentine cookies
