I wish I could sleep. I don’t feel tired but it’s 1:30am and I know I’m going to be tired in the morning. I just can’t get there until I type this.
Several weeks ago I pulled my cobweb covered rollerblades off the shelf and put them on for the first time in probably seven years. In our three moves since I last used them, Ryan has asked me several times if we need to keep them. And I have guarded them like they were a prized possession. I always imagined that it was because of the memories attached to them. Memories of dear friends in South Florida. Conversations that meant so much to me. Time spent together. That is a big part of it. But then, I took them off the shelf and used them here in Boone and I remembered another reason I have guarded them so passionately over the years.
My first lap was a bit shaky and I remembered quickly how much you have to use your calves to control their motion and their direction. I was afraid. Every small bump in the path seemed like a hill. There were several moments that I thought I made a mistake taking these out. But halfway through my second lap, I got my rhythm. By my third lap, I spread my arms open wide. I let my sweater fall off my shoulders. I breathed in the fresh air and let the evening sunset blush my face. I closed my eyes. It started to rain, and I held my arms up high. I tilted my head to the sky. I went faster and faster.
It seems that this theme has been echoing in my life over the weeks since then. The Lord speaking to me so clearly about trusting Him…not letting the small bumps seem like mountains. Being brave and fearless…so I can live in freedom. Living wholeheartedly as I am. Authentically, in truth. My truth…the truth of who God made me, of what He put inside of me. Teaching our girls these truths.
I kept thinking I should write about this. But I kept putting it off. The message kept echoing in my heart.
Then, today He reminded me in a big way. We were at the pool. The day was beautiful and sunny, but the pool wasn’t busy and Brooklyn had a big empty space around her. I watched as she began dancing in the water. It was beautiful. Amari cuddled in my lap. After watching Brooklyn for several minutes, she came close to me and said, “Mommy, as an adult, are there ever times when you feel free?” From the mouths of babes. I immediately answered, “When I was rollerblading.” She smiled at me knowingly and said, “I feel free now, Mommy. Dancing.” Then, she went back to dancing.
What a gift. Freedom.
Are there moments when you let go and allow yourself to be free? Free of control and restraint…free of fear…free of worry and anxiety…free of judgment and perfection…free of grudges and resentment…
I’ve been taking moments. Moments watching the sunset. Moments dancing with the girls. Moments staring at mountain masterpieces. Moments watching the clouds pass by. Moments breathing, playing, resting…they help me to be hopeful, to trust, to be free, to be me….as wholeheartedly as I can be.
Thank you Lord for freedom and the clarity, purity, and faith that is found in those moments. Help me to live there…with You.